Written by Jared Curtiss, Los Angeles, California

Lying in bed looking at the ceiling of my room, I realized I would not recover my life. I was hopelessly lost in addiction—numbing my pain was what mattered. My life was full of cocaine, meth, and pills. I was living drunk, powerless against addiction to sex and porn. I destroyed relationship after relationship with my selfishness. At 23, I thought dying young would be best for me because the longer I lived, the more pain I would cause those who really loved me. Nothing in the future looked positive, and I had no vision past my failures. I had no thought of a family of my own. No hope for marriage. 

In the thick of the years of addiction, the worst part was being stuck inside a wilted heart—broken, powerless and void of life—lost in a deep darkness. Once, I sat by myself in the night and put out 5 cigarettes on my hand, one at a time, just to pin my internal pain on my body. Even before the drugs and addiction as a teenager, I would cut myself and wonder how my life could have any real purpose.

I spent most of my life in church. I knew the Christian answers, but nothing changed. I had been through treatment, support groups, counseling, camps, conferences, and jail, yet nothing changed. My parents prayed that God would protect me. I would disappear for months and none of my family would know if I was alive. They were plagued with a constant fear of a call telling them I was found dead. 

However, darkness and addiction is not how my story ends. One day everything changed. I was physically attacked by a demon in my room. It pressed me down into my bed and choked my neck. I could hear the audible sound of snakes hissing in my ear. In complete fear, I whispered the name Jesus, and the demon spirit left my room. The fight for my life and my soul became so real to me after this attack. The next morning, I got on my knees and said a prayer to a God who had never felt more distant. His answer led me into something beautiful. I said, “God, either there is more to you than I have been taught, or I have no reason to live. Because what I have known of you has not had the power to change my life.”

After a second of silence, I heard His voice—full of life—speak, “There is more to Me, and He has been waiting to meet you. I want to introduce you to My Holy Spirit.”

In a moment, by God’s grace, I stepped into a relationship with a Person who I had never met but who instantly felt more familiar than anyone else I had ever known. His loving presence tenderly gripped my heart, and it began to explode with life again. He taught me to dance, to sing, to listen, to hope, to pray, to believe, to see myself like Father God sees me. He told me I never had to focus on being anything but His beloved son.

Today, my heart has become a great garden. My life is a testimony of His passionate pursuit and faithfulness. I was freed and redeemed by the blood of Jesus, but it was, and is, His Holy Spirit who teaches me how to live in this gift. He empowers me to discover life. This garden I have with him is full of the flowers and fruit of his heart. This garden is called salvation and righteousness. It is not a decision or a prayer, though that is how it starts. It is a life joined with God, where there is not a line of where He ends and I begin. I am in His love and in love with Him forever.

As I write this, I am married to a woman who is far beyond my wildest dreams—beautiful in every way. Our marriage is full of God, full of Joy, and full of love with nothing hidden. I have three kids who will never know a father chained by addiction, lust, or anger. My kids will know what God is like because of who I am. My life is not unique. What I have is free to all. It is the power of the love of Jesus working within me through relationship with His Spirit to transform me into His image, and there is nothing more beautiful or profound. I am His.