I Lived With Depression.
Depression is real.
There are varying types of depression. People with chronic illness and chronic pain often suffer with depression. My previous boss dealt with severe chronic pain and experienced depression leading him to suicide. Chronic illness is no joke.
I'll share with you my secret (that is not so secret) that helped ease the deep depression I experienced not so long ago. In sharing, I hope you will feel encouraged and motivated to keep moving forward.
My life changed forever on the ski slopes in Montana where I broke my back, my whole body swelled pointing to the possibility of sparking a nerve/muscle and inflammatory response in my body. Shortly after my back injury, I noticed muscle weakness possibly contributing to injuring my wrists and later impacting my elbows. Since then, I've been incredibly limited in my ability to function without pain.
I stopped working because of my wrist pain. The chronic pain and disability caused my whole life to shift—my desires and ideas for what my life and mommyhood would look like were tossed out the window. I needed full-time care for myself and help with my daughter.
I needed help with eating, holding things, opening doors and drawers, washing my hair, turning the faucet to wash my hands, grocery shopping and preparing food, household cleaning. I switched to using light-weight plastic ware & straws, using my feet and legs to move things, leaving room lights on so I wouldn't have to flip the switch. I endured a lot of pain.
"Can you move this? Can you open this? Can you grab that for me? Can you do this and that for me?” Literally having to ask for things 30, 40, 50, 60 times a day... good Lord! Can you imagine having to ask for help for nearly every single thing?
Tears flood my eyes as I recall the turmoil of losing all my independence, relying on everyone else...with a newborn. Being a new mom is a fragile state as is without all of this atop it. Imagine being a first-time mom wanting to hold, nurse, and take care of your newborn daughter, but severe pain in both wrists and elbows makes it impossible. Combine this grief & loss with chronic pain, postpartum depression, insomnia, and I had a recipe for disaster.
Needless to say, depression hit me hard.
Like most people experiencing depression, I'd put on a smile for most everyone, yet inside I was grieving, tired, sad, angry, confused, and had feelings of hopelessness. I didn't share exactly how hard the struggle was with anyone. I'd give little snippets here and there to close friends, but I didn't let people fully in. Will I burden them? Will this be too much for them? Can they handle this deep grief? If I can't handle it, how could anyone else? I was in survival mode and didn't want to burden others with the depths of what I was experiencing.
During these years, I would often go on walks where I would cry out to God, wrestling with Him for healing, sharing my despair, telling my great losses. I felt sad, confused, and angry with God because He wasn’t taking my pain away. The “formulas” I knew for healing weren't working. I had previously experienced healing, I had seen others healed. I didn’t understand why He would allow this to happen. God had the key, yet why wasn’t He healing me to help prevent this turmoil in my family? Is my grief and suffering not enough for Him to turn and heal me? It felt like He had forsaken me.
God knew this was drastically affecting my life. My hopes and dreams were being flushed down the toilet and I couldn't do anything to stop it. God was supposed to be my Healer and yet He was allowing this physical pain to crash into my life.
All of these questions, thoughts, and emotions continued to allow me to spiral deeper into depression. I lost sight of God's love for me. Although I had walked closely with God for 30+ years, I was not trusting Him as I used to, I was doubting His love. I felt confused, and uncared for by Him.
The depression felt like a deep pit covered by a gloomy cloud. I didn't know exactly how to climb my way out of this incredible sadness, yet I knew God didn't want hopelessness for me.
The Scriptures talk about His joy, abundant life, and hope. Because of this I knew there must be a way out.
I was a fighter for truth and for God's heart, so I eventually decided to put on my boxing gloves and start the internal fight to reclaim my life. I became determined not to be devoured by hopelessness.
This is the part where I share what helped ease these hard emotions and turn the ship of depression towards hope, but it's important to start out by saying my circumstances didn't change.
I still had chronic pain. I still needed full-time care. I still didn't understand why God wasn't healing me physically. I still felt grief & loss in mommyhood. But something in me changed, and it was this change that caused me to see God and life as good again—in the midst of the storm, in the midst of GREAT LOSS and chronic searing pain.
Though I didn’t know much yet, I started putting what I did know into practice to help with the depression. First, was the sun. Getting outside in the sun was critical. I also needed to do what I could to not be an isolated first-time mom, to get together more often with friends, and to laugh more. I needed to think about "happier things." And I needed to continue my walks with God.
During one of these walks, the Lord spoke about giving thanks. He told me that I needed to start thanking Him for what I have instead of focusing on what I didn't. Instead of focusing on my losses and on the pain, I would grab those thoughts (1 Cor. 10:5) and immediately start thanking God for the things I did have and things that brought me joy.
I began this practice of thankfulness. Every day. All day long.
As odd as this may sound, I began with thanking Him for something very simple, the color green. I love being outside, and much of nature is green: green plants, green bushes, green trees, green grass. I loved being surrounded by green, so I started here—thanking Him for the color green.
I was grateful for the tiniest things in life: having sidewalks, the sound of birds chirping, the feel of soft sheets, the smell of Autumn leaves on the ground, the first weeks of Spring when the temperature and air changes, the smell of jasmine flowers, high-tea with girl friends. And of course I was deeply grateful for the more important things in life: Christ's sacrifice (our foundation of hope), family, friends, all things good.
It's interesting what happened to me when I shifted my mental focus from sadness and loss to thankfulness. This shift in focus affected my visual focus. I started to feel my eyes change from feeling sad and gloomy to brightness and joy. Thankfulness is the enemy of hopelessness.
Here it is—many years later—and I'm still praying for healing. I ice daily, use anti-inflammatory creams, and take anti-inflammatory pills. I've tried Western medicine, Eastern medicine, protocols through a naturopath, emotional work, spiritual work, physical therapy, occupational therapy, surgeries, using "whozits and whatzits galore" and the list goes on.
I have 2 helpers at my house twice a week, I have help from the staff at my local grocery stores, help from store employees, assistance with transportation, help with so many things because we use our hands & arms for nearly everything! Friends help me. Complete strangers help me.
I am still living with continued pain and relying on the help of others. But I'm also living with continued hope.
They say, "You are what you eat." I also believe you are what you think. I now look at life from a Heavenly perspective with deep gratitude. Living in this place of deep thankfulness has turned the hard emotions of grief and sadness into hope and joy. I praise God for victory over depression!
Let’s retrain our brains with thankfulness!
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Resources: Choosing Gratitude - by Nancy Leigh De Moss
The God Shaped Brain - by Timothy Jennings, M.D.
This Is Your Brain On Joy - by Dr. Earl Henslin, Dr. Daniel Amen
Victorious Emotions - by Wendy Backlaud
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Thankfulness is the enemy of hopelessness. How is your hope meter today? Can giving thanks today increase your joy and hope? Consider starting out by thanking God for the small things in life and go from there.
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* keep scrolling for another story *
A special thing I remember from Seminary, is from Dr. Thrasher. He is a sweet and gentle man who seemed to do everything the right way as a Christian. The students greatly admired him because although he seemed to be perfect, he would relate to us, showing his humility.
I remember Dr. Thrasher talking about giving thanks, especially when we are struggling to feel grateful. He shared how giving thanks (about any, and everything) no matter how small it appeared to be, would help one’s perspective, redirecting us away from negative & overwhelming feelings.
Shortly after hearing about the effectiveness of giving thanks, I was on my way to watch my friend's four children. I liked to serve families but on this particular day I felt exhausted and grumpy with the realization of all I needed to get done. I was not feeling energetic nor having the capacity needed to spend time watching their kids. In the midst of feeling awful I then remembered what Dr. Thrasher said.
I started thanking God for any and everything I could think of. It was just a 10 minute drive to my friend's home which didn't leave me much time, but it was enough. I don't recall what all I gave thanks for – probably for the car, for the beautiful sky…but what I do recall, is that when I arrived at my friend’s house, I was in a great mood. I no longer felt exhausted, I no longer felt heavy with all the things I needed to be doing, I no longer was grumpy and on edge because of the stress and exhaustion. I was genuinely happy and pleasant when I arrived – and could enjoy their four young children that afternoon.
I am still amazed at how absolutely simple this was, and how effective it is, to worship God by giving thanks for any and everything one can think of. I could not believe how transformed I was. Fortunately I don't get stressed and overwhelmed often, but when I do, I put this practice into effect.
I continue to give thanks when I feel I am struggling with perspective. I don't think I've had such a drastic and complete shift as that first time however my perspective and demeanor changes when I give thanks for everything!
I encourage everyone who reads this, to try giving thanks.
Lanna-Marie, Pasadena, California