I was afraid of God.
I wanted to feel loved and accepted by God, but I had a deep fear that I wasn't pleasing to Him; that He was upset with me or that I wasn't good enough for Him, and that I was unworthy of being close to Him.
The scriptures say we are ONE with God (1 Cor. 6:17, John 14:20) but what does this mean? How are we one with Him? God is in heaven, I am on earth. So, how can we be one?
I desperately wanted to step into the oneness that Jesus and the disciples spoke of, but I didn't know if it was possible. The concept of being joined with God seemed unattainable and unimaginable. And perhaps a little terrifying.
I was married at the time, so I had an idea of what oneness could be like (although, full disclosure, I'm a work in progress in this area). Yet in my brokenness, I wanted to know if I could truly be ONE with our King.
So I asked Him.
I closed my eyes, focused on His heart, and wondered what oneness with Him was like, asking, "Can we be one? Can we truly be one?" Right then and there, I heard His audible voice for the first time.
His words catching me off guard… This is what He said: "Thank you for your courage."
I noticed, He didn't say "yes," or "no," or give me details on what this oneness looks like for believers. I would've preferred a “yes,” “no,” but instead, He simply applauded my courage.
Can we backtrack for a sec?
If you're like me, you may have grown up believing God is mad at you, judging you for all the wrong you do, and—although He sees and hears you and has enough love to die for you—you’re still not sure if He's disapproving of you because of your flaws.
If you're like me, you may also have grown up believing you have to be "good enough" to be on God's good side—to avoid lightning from striking.
I can think of several preachers from 20-30 years ago with scalding looks on their faces, voicing God's anger for what we do wrong—that we “better change or else.” This type of teaching instilled shame, insecurity, and unhealthy fear of not being enough, not being accepted by Him, and fear of not "being good" enough to be on good terms with Him.
When I was 22 years old I sat in my counselor’s office and he asked: "Liz, how do you see Father God?" Then, he asked me to describe how I saw Jesus. My description of our Heavenly Father was that He was angry and displeased with me. I described Jesus as kind, compassionate, gentle, tender—helping everyone.
My counselor went on to say, "Do you know that our Heavenly Father is revealed to us through Jesus? How you see Jesus is who Father God is." (John 10:30, John 14:9)
He wasn't mad at me? He is tender and gentle toward me?
This was my "ah-ha" moment, and I realized that I was afraid of God. I had been believing the lie that God was mad at me—lurking over me like Santa seeing if I'm being naughty or nice—and that I had to earn His approval.
It took yeeeeeeears for me to rebuild my perception of God and to pivot from fear to being embraced as His beloved—FULLY LOVED exactly as I am. “And you did not receive the “spirit of religious duty,” leading you back into the fear of never being good enough. But you have received the “Spirit of full acceptance,” enfolding you into the family of God.” —And this rebuilding isn't finished. I still remind myself “He is delighted in me.”
Courage is needed when someone is afraid, and I was afraid of God. I was afraid of becoming one with Him because this would mean intimacy, vulnerability, and a full exposure of everything that I am—with all my failures, insecurities, doubts, and fears. This felt unsettling and scary.
And when I did more research in Scripture, I realized I am already one with Him.
As soon as we accept Christ as our Savior, we instantly become one with Him (1 Cor. 6:17, John 14:20). He puts His spirit in us, and we are joined with Him!
Being intimate and having full exposure of ourselves can feel risky. These things were scary for me for many years, and sometimes still is. But with God, we are safe—seen, known, wanted, and fully loved right where we are.
The scripture that says “He will not forsake you in your weaknesses” means He isn’t going to leave you because you aren’t perfect. Your weaknesses do not cause God to run. Did you know He is compassionate towards you in your weaknesses, when you sin, and fail? —This is the exact opposite of Him being angry and being judgmental of you. God isn’t judgmental of you. Don't let your weaknesses stop you from getting closer to God. You can share your struggles, and areas of temptation with Him. He greets you with compassion and gentleness. And He is available to help you conquer these areas.
He loves when we step out in courage, go deeper, and share more of ourselves with Him.
Have you ever been afraid of God? Are you afraid of Him sometimes still? Do you feel like you have to "be good" for Him to love and accept you? Are you concerned about His acceptance of you because of your mistakes or failures? Are you afraid of deeper intimacy, full exposure, and vulnerability with God?
When you’re ready, I invite you to pray with me to release any fear and step into the fullness of the relationship that Jesus died to make possible for you.
Prayer for healing from fear & shame:
“God, in some measure I’m afraid to be exposed and intimate with You. Afraid of not being enough, that my sin, darkness, and failures push You away.
I also realize You will not leave me because of these things because You love me unconditionally, are forgiving, wanting to be close.
Please help me to embrace Your love, and to remember that I have received the Spirit of FULL ACCEPTANCE. Amen.”
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